I recently read a letterpenned to ‘the future’ by the father of an autistic child. In this letter, thefather expressed profound anxiety about his son’s future despite hisconsiderable efforts to prepare him for it: “We’re waiting for you… the future. I’m sending you my child whether you like it or not… for better or worse.My name will be called soon and my child will be needing you. So I’m needingyou right now. Please be ready.” Worrying is counterproductive–it drains ourenergy, kills motivation, and it drags our children down with us. I knowhow difficult it is to simply “turn off” an emotion however, so in thisposting, my goal is to gift you with a new mindset in the aim of preventing anyworrying in the first place.
1. REASSURE YOURSELF — YOUR KID IS ALREADY A CHAMPION
Remind yourself as well. To get here, he beat hundreds of millions of otherdetermined competitors in a marathon race to an egg, and won! He arrived herewith the tenacity, endurance, speed, determination and power of a champion, andit’s your job to make sure he maintains these qualities so that he may go on towin the next race; a race of his choosing.
2. GIVE THE CAPTAIN A DESTINATION
Imagine your child’s future as a journey on a sailing ship captained by you,the parent. You teach the child about ship maintenance, seafaring andnavigation so they can someday become captain of their own ship. Shouldn’t wehelp them to find a destination as well? Life can be a raging storm wheresurvival depends more upon strength of spirit than learned skills. Having adream on the horizon gives us the necessary ‘fight’ to see us through thesestorms, and makes the calm days far more pleasant and fulfilling. For me,having a dream, an inspiration, or something to look forward to is the wind inmy sails, so without them , my ship would be reduced to no more than a liferaft, drifting aimlessly without power or momentum, at the mercy of theelements. We need to plant seeds of love, wonder, and purpose in our childrento give them a reason to truly live, and not just survive. The journey shouldalso be broken up into waypoints in the form of mini-vacations, enrichmentactivities, field trips, meetings with mentors, etc, that are specificallyconceived to further our interest in, and deepen our commitment to ourlong-term goals.
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3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF/PRIORITIZE/BECOME SELFISH
Parents of children with autism, you’ve been tasked with a noble mission,full of unique challenges, in an environment that can appear to offer littlesustenance. Your greatest source of strength is yourself and your most powerfultools are your mind and body which serve you as you serve them. Thequality and quantity of your energy is directly linked to the level of diet,sleep and exercise that you maintain. Dedication to spiritualwell-being is equally important. How can we help maintain our spirit? Try this:before going to bed, when the sky is clear, go outside and look up at thestars. This is where we come from, and where we really exist. We’re not stuckour little town, we’re rotating around the outer edge of our galaxy, the MilkyWay, in a universe filled with hundreds of billions of othergalaxies—were free. Out there, there is no worry, no discouraging talk,no doubt and no fear. Out there is just pure potentiality. So after looking upat the stars for a while, go inside, kneel down beside your bed in your darkbedroom, put your head down and hands together and pray out loud. This prayerhas nothing to do with religion, though it can if you wish it to. Praying to aGod will put you in touch with your own ‘center of all creation’ and will plantthe seed that will start to imperceptibly guide your actions or ‘trim yoursails’ to reach the destination you desire.
4. LET HIM GO
They’re already a champion, you’ve taught them, helped them to find abeautiful destination, and their wind has filled their sails, so they’re readyto go! Set them to sail with the assurance that your love is unconditional, andthat your guiding spirit will always be there for them.
And don’t worry so much—you’re not throwing them into heavy traffic. You’re setting them to sail.
Take a look at the two paintings by Mary Cassat that I’ve provided, and notewhere the parent’s gaze is directed in relation to that of the child. And readthis poem by one of my favorite writers, Kahlil Gibran.
I think it should more effectively communicate what I wish to say.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be forgladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, soHe loves also the bow that is stable.
Barrett Bramstedt works as a film/video editor and copy editor in LosAngeles, where he was born and raised. His father was a professor ofAnthropology who studied American Indians, and his mother a school teacher fromHawaii. When he’s not working, he enjoys visiting Europe and Japan, the cinema,being a motorcycle commuter, and perfecting his French and Spanish. Barrettholds a B.S. in International Business Administration, a minor degree inSpanish language studies, and a M.A. in Applied Linguistics.
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